Letters From A Tory Daily views on British politics and the Conservative Party from a centre-right thinker who writes letters on his blog to politicians, journalists and many others.

Dear Gordon Brown,

Who do you think you’re convincing, seriously?  All this talk of “the difficult birth-pangs of a new global order” and a “global deal and grand bargain” is meaningless and you know it.  The fact of the matter is that you let our economy off the leash many years ago and enjoyed the good times that followed, only to pretend that the current economic crisis is nothing to do with your mismanagement of the UK economy over the last decade.  The recession has been dominating the headlines for months but that hasn’t stopped you, Barack Obama, Nicolas Sarkozy and every other international leader pretending that you can do something about it.  The reality is that you’ve lost control and quite frankly I think a small child would be dealing with the credit crunch better than you are – and now I’ve got the evidence to prove it.

A journalist from the ‘Daily Mail’ had the bright idea of asking children at the Knowle Park Primary School in Bristol and St Michael’s Primary School in East Sussex what they thought about the credit crunch, and it was immediately obvious to me that they had just as much of an idea about what to do next as you do.  Here are their responses to the ‘credit crunch quiz’ (I hope you are taking notes):

WHAT’S TOXIC DEBT AND HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?

“I would deal with toxic debt by getting my dad’s gun and shooting it. He shot a rat that was eating the white bit on my gym shoes” – Billy, 6

“Get a cleaner.” - Ben, 8

“Toxic debt is a kind of place where you go and work. Like a factory where they make things.” – Kieran, 6

“I had some sweets called Toxics so I guess it is something like that. You put them in your mouth and they all fizz up. They could well have been poisonous.” - Kai, 6

“I’ve heard of the word toxic before, but not debt. I think it’s like a fish tank.” - Joshua, 6

“Toxic debt might be a nasty creature like a spider. It doesn’t sound nice.” - Adam, 6

“If there was a problem with toxic debt you should run away from it as fast as you can. I’d drive a motorcycle and then jump over a car and land on the pavement and then start running.” - Declan, 6

“Maybe you find it in the forest. It’s a place where it’s really good for growing hedges.” - Adam, 5

WHAT IS THE CREDIT CRUNCH? 

“It’s a cereal, a bit like Rice Krispies.” - Joe, 6

“It’s a type of nut.” - Sam, 6

“The credit crunch is when you eat lots of food. It’s a good thing, because I’m always hungry. My dad says don’t waste your credit – which is your eating system. You need to feed yourself healthily – it’s about crunchy food. Not too much, but not too little.” - Solomon, 6

“It’s to do with money. If I want to buy a roast chicken it would have cost £6.99 last time, and now it might be £9.99.” - Kai, 6

“The credit crunch is when you put your card into a machine to pay for something and it goes ‘crunch’.” – Joseph, 6

“I think the credit crunch might be a sound, maybe something smashing on the floor and making a crack. It’s definitely loud. Or maybe it’s a place. I heard people say: ‘Can we go to the credit crunch?’ It’s where you go to find circles and rectangles and stars.” - Tia, 7

“The credit crunch is if you don’t have much money. Last year my dad said Father Christmas didn’t have much money to buy presents.” – Kieran, 6

“I think the credit crunch might be a superhero who has super-crunching powers. If someone gets trapped in a building, then he could break them free by chomping down the walls.” - Millie, 6

“It sounds like a nasty villain or a nasty dog.” - Katie, 7

“The credit crunch sounds like something you can eat that makes lots of noise. Like really crunchy carrots or apples.” - Joshua, 6

“It’s definitely a bad thing, because you can lose your money and everything. I’ve heard grown-ups say they don’t like it at all.” – Millie-May, 7

“It’s something you do in maths. If you get a number wrong, it’s a credit crunch because you get the wrong answer.” - Adam, 5

“I heard my mummy and daddy talk about it. It’s got to do with hiding all your money and keeping it safe so no one can steal it.” - Libby, 6

WHERE’S THE BEST PLACE TO KEEP YOUR MONEY?

“I wouldn’t put my money in a bank. I’d put it under my bed. But my little sister looks under there when I’m at school and there are always things missing. Then I look under her bed and find them there.” - Millie, 6

“Banks are a good place to put your money, but you could put it in your wardrobe in your bedroom. If you left it downstairs near a window then a robber might see it and crash through the window and take it.” – Kai, 6

“Keep it in your Lego box.” - Harry, 4

“You should put your money in a bank and when you are older you can buy a tractor. Or a lorry.” - Bailey, 6

“You shouldn’t keep your money in a bank because someone could break in and steal it, like in the movies.” - Katie, 7

“The best place to keep money safe is behind my snowman.” – Tom, 4

“I keep my money in my grandmother’s piggy bank. I have got thousands and thousands of pennies. Probably 1,002.” - Billy, 6

“I think it is much safer to keep your money in your house because bank robbers don’t often rob houses because there are dogs and cats there.” - Henry,  ”… but I haven’t got any cats and dogs.” -  Eva, “What about a goldfish?” – Henry, “I’ve got hamsters.” - Eva, “They would bite the robbers’ fingers off.” - Henry

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BANKER IS?

“A banker is someone who cooks bread – like for sandwiches. Bankers make all the bread at the bankery. I’ve seen it on telly.” - Adam, 5

“I think you might find a hedge fund in a shop.” – Millie May, 7

“Bankers are bad people, because they could steal your money. So don’t trust a banker. I heard people on TV say they think that. They were grown-ups in suits. It’s best to hide your money away – I keep mine in a glass bottle on my shelf. I even hide it from my parents.” - Tia, 7

“I think bankers are baddies because baddies are people who try to steal money. If you work in a bank there is a lot of chance to steal money. In the bank near us there are only two people who work there. Sometimes there is only one. So it would be easy.” - Henry, 7

“Bankers are people who work in banks. My dad sometimes waits a quarter or half an hour to get served. He gets fed up.” - Eva, 7

“A banker is a person who gives you money from the bank. That’s where you keep your money, too, because it’s safe.” - Chloe, 7

“They give people money when they need it. I think it’s better to keep your money in a container, though, because if it’s in a bank you can get overdrawn and the credit crunch comes and takes all your money. That’s what my Auntie said.” - Millie-May, 7

“A banker is someone who owns a bank. He’s a good person because he doesn’t steal stuff.” - Solomon, 6 

WHAT’S A HEDGE FUND?

“It’s where a hedgehog lives.” - May, 6

“A hedge fund is a money-hedge and we have one at the bottom of our garden.” - Sam, 6

“I’ve seen a hedge fund before. They have one at the hospital, outside the main door.” - Kieran, 6

“I think you might find a hedge fund in a shop. It’s definitely a better thing than a credit crunch.” – Millie-May, 7

HAVE YOU HEARD OF A MAN CALLED GORDON BROWN? WHAT DOES HE DO? 

“He’s a celebrity chef.” - Finn, 7

“He kills baddies.” – Rowan, 4

“Maybe he likes brown sauce. That must be how he got his name. He eats everything with lots of brown sauce.” - Katie, 7

“Gordon Brown runs the world.” - Henry, 7

“I have never seen him, but he is literally in charge of the country. He’s not like the king and queen, though. If he says we should all be kind then we should all be kind.” - Kai, 6

“Gordon Brown is Prime Minister and people at school in my class and in the playground say he is mad, silly and crazy.” - Ben, 8

“They talk about him on the news. Some people don’t like him because he is a bit bossy. My mum doesn’t like him and I think he should do something with his hair.” - May, 6

You see Gordon, these children have no idea what caused the credit crunch, how to get rid of toxic debt, how to deal with rogue bankers and they think you’re a complete irrelevance – is any of this starting to sound familiar?  Judging by their responses, these children would be just as successful as you, if not more so, in dealing with the global financial crisis and I find their honesty wonderfully refreshing in comparision to all your deceit and arrogance.  In the life of a politician, surely one of the greatest indicators of how much of a failure you have become is when children start to make more sense than you do.

Yours sincerely,

A.Tory